Saturday, November 04, 2006

The Last Week: Part I, The Oregon Diner

One week ago today, my #1 lady and I tried to go to this kind of hip breakfast place here in South Philadelphia which, fortunately as it turned out, was already having a line outside at 9:30 in the fucking morning and so we ended up going to one of South Philly's great diners...the Oregon Diner. I actually suggested going to the other place because I like fancy know a "Blue Cheese and Sundried Tomato" omelet or some shit like that but my lady is "not into that" to say the least.

So, we drove to Oregon diner and as we were pulling in we saw a guy in an amazing Scarface jacket, with Scarface on the back embellished with studs AND rhinestones. Obviously, Scarface indicated that we had made the right choice in coming to the Oregon Diner.

After we sat down and ordered, a woman in the booth across from us leaned over and asked if we were going to the Eagles game and said, "I forgot to put my jersey on."
We had a little friendly chatting and shortly after the ensuing conversation about the Eagles, our food came. However our waitress made the mistake of serving us our food from the tray first BEFORE she put the food on the table behind us. Oh, Christ! The two women behind us started with "Where the hell's our food?" and the waitress pointed to the tray RIGHT NEXT to their table and said "it's right there. Someone carried my tray for me. Your food is right there." So she's putting the food on their table and they're still complaining and the waitress said, "I'm pregnant, someone carried the tray for me" and one woman said, "I don't give a shit if you're pregnant, eggs don't take 40 minutes! Let me talk to the manager"

At this point the lady across the aisle is looking at me and pointing to her watch and mouthing "it didn't take 40 minutes!" and I was like "I know!"

Then the manager, the manager is that kind of South Philly lady with short hair dyed a red that's almost maroon, came over and said, "Look, the kitchen is a little backed up..." and the the woman said "You suck as a manager" and...get ready for the #1 comeback ever... then the manager said, "Well, you suck as a customer!"

Following this, the woman across the aisle moved over and smashed right next to me into my one person booth seat, I mean actually smashed right up against me, and started talking about how nuts the 2 complainers were. She was worked up about the complainers..."What are they talking about?!?" After the across the aisle lady moved back to her seat, we got up to pay the check and stopped the manager to tell her that our waitress was absolutely fine and our food took about 15 minutes, not 40 as was professed by the two insane complainers.

The manager then relays the entire conversation including, "You suck as a customer," even though this either debacle took place within a 10 foot radius and every person there had obviously heard every word since "Where the hell's our food?". Then the manager busts out with "I'd stand behind (our waitress) if my life depended on it" and something like "Youse two are noice and you know there's not that many noice people." Then she grabbed my head SUPER HARD and kissed me on the forehead while gripping me. Right.

THEN, the complainers get up and they are both LITERALLY 4 OR 5 INCHES SHORTER THAN ME. That would make them about 4'8". They got ahead of us at the register and they asked the woman working to point them to ANOTHER manager and the woman told them that they had already talked to the manager. That prompted, "They're not going to get away with this." What the fuck are they "getting away with" at the Oregon diner? They were fucking nuts!

Of course, it turns out that the woman at the register is the manager's daughter and she was super pissed, "Hello? We're not McDonald's. We cook our food here!"

We walked out and some guy was playing skill crane, and I love me some skill crane. As a matter of fact, I actually won Lynn Bloom's heart by giving her many of my skill crane winnings. Anyway, it seemed as if this guy could actually get some piece of crap out of the machine and I stopped to watch his 2 tries. We both agreed that skill crane is highway robbery but playing it is irresistible. He didn't get what he was going for and we left as he put another dollar in...BUT, as the door was closing behind us he yelled out after me, "I GOT IT" and when I turned around he was holding up some stuffed something and I gave him the thumbs up.

The retelling of this sequence of events can not even begin to hold a candle to the actual happenings.


Phil said...

Ask your baby brother about the time him and I saw a guy and girl break out into a fist fight next to our booth. The girl landed a few good ones before chucking a glass sugar dispencer across the room, missing his head by inches.

Gotta love the Oregon.

On a side note, the Oregon diner holds the homorable distinction of being the place of Nicky Scarfo's first ever murder.

neb said...

That's why I love living at 7th and Oregon. I love this neighborhood. You can't buy a pack of smokes at the corner store without someone wanting you to take sides in some kind of drama. A lot of people might be annoyed by that, but I think it's awesome.